there should be a word for that feeling you get
when you realize your best friend’s world is slowly cracking
because i have it
that feeling when you realize your best friend’s world is
cracking open like a snow globe, dropped and
shaken up and now the sky is slowly leaking water and it’s puddling at her toes
and the sad part is that she wouldn’t mind the drowning much,
it’s just the panic before the drowning that scares her
because even though she doesn’t realize it anymore,
her body still wants to keep living
and it tells her that in terms not quite defined enough to understand
and then you peer in at her and notice her just standing there,
given up while the pain of just continuing washes up around her shins and
it grabs on like glue and makes it harder to walk
and the more she tries the more it thickens up
and crystallizes, bittersweet like burnt sugar
and her eyeliner’s streaked all down her face
and she looks like either she hasn’t been sleeping or she’s been sleeping too much
and all of it just looks so bloodily romantic to her, what a wonderfully poetic way
to fall, she thinks
and she doesn’t really feel much of anything anymore, doesn’t want to in fact
because she knows where she’s going
and so do you so you’re scared at hell
and wondering where you were when this started
why couldn’t you be there for her
and there’s a giant fist clenched around your guts
and it’s making it harder to breathe
and now she’s broken, and you can hold her while she cries
but she will never be the same
and it’s all your fault
because you
weren’t there
there should be a world for that feeling
because i have it and it’s got me good
–
written t13dec2011.
wasn’t sure whether it was poetry or prose so i put it in both categories. technically, everything but the first three and last two lines is one big run-on sentence- but that’s how it felt at the time. like one big, terrified, run-on sentence.
this is something which happens when you befriend other messed-up people. all you can do is try to stay calm yourself- try to “be there” for them- try to tell yourself it’s not your fault when they die.
–
idiography 