Month: March 2017

self-determination

this land was raised on autonomy
i raised you on senses fail

you grew up ingrained with slivers of doubt
and i encouraged you all the way
because it was beautiful-
so sick, but it wasn’t a deathwish
it was a fashion statement
and it looked good on you

but i never meant to put you through this
i couldn’t have predicted the words from their mouths
and now you’ve turned to this-
i swear i never endorsed it

and i don’t find it so beautiful anymore,
the way you can’t make it through a single day
without wondering if life is worth the ridicule

if it’s your choice, i can’t stop you
if you really want to leave, there’s nothing i can say

but i need to let you know
that there are people here who need you
even if you can’t see it
and i know that vested deep within you
there’s still a will to live

but it’s your choice,
and there’s something lovely about self-determination
when you go down,
you can say you did it all by yourself
you can say that you finally got it right

–

written r2feb 2012.

small-me says: “the prompt was to write about something ugly and then find the beauty in it. and the first ugly thing i thought of was suicide. it is! very ugly! but then i had to find the beauty and now i look all emo. hey, kids. i do not endorse this. suicide’s not cool. peeps will miss you.”

–

once was blind, still can’t see

if it offers you any consolation
i didn’t mean for us to end up like this
with me speechless and you walking yourself home

i always thought you were so naïve
turns out you just didn’t want to see
(you turned a blind eye to) what i was doing
(you turned a blind eye)

and i never could have gotten this right

i’ll say it once: i never saw it coming
say it twice and you’re asking for something
i’ll never admit it, but i underestimated you

i wrote my preconceived notions
in a little blue notebook
and kept it close to my heart
(i turned a blind eye) for the romantic value
ego aside, i was wrong
(but i turned a blind eye)

you can scream at me all you want
but we both know that’s my job

if it offers you any consolation,
you can roll your eyes and call me naïve
leave me speechless and walk yourself home

i never could have gotten this right

i’ll say it once: i never saw it coming
say it twice and you’re asking for something
i’ll never admit it, but i underestimated you

you’re walking yourself home
(turn a blind eye)
you’re walking home alone
(turn a blind eye)
and i am home alone
(just turn a blind eye)

i never saw it coming

–

written m23jan2012.

old-school chiodos vibe.

–

joke’s on me

music brings us together
unless, of course, it doesn’t-

seven months since i mentioned green day to you
and you never admitted it,
but now you talk about them all the time

seven months since and i haven’t mentioned a single band you’ve liked
besides green day

and you talk about them like they’re the only thing we have in common
that and a few b-movies with cult followings,
movies you quote every single day-
and then you look to me to see if i laugh

i will always find you amusing
i will always love to see you smile
but i can’t pretend that it gets tiring,
not being able to find anything else to talk about.

 
you say you like the arts,
but i’ve never found you buried in words
never seen you drown in sentiment

i’m surprised i can take you seriously

my favorite anthology is one i took from my favorite college
during a visit three months ago
full of poetry from twenty-year-olds
who believe that they’re worth nothing
they’re worth everything to me

i hold words tightly to my chest
an invisible blanket woven equally from sarcasm and honesty
so that i can pluck out the right threads
when i talk to you

i’ll pretend i’m writing this for you
we both know i’m a horrible liar

it’s been seven months and i’m on the verge of unraveling
i’ll pretend it’s something romantic
and you’ll stare at me like i’m insane

but i’ve gotten used to it by now

 
you brush my serious words off like it’s just part of the joke
i only wanted to let you know how i feel
you know i’m melodramatic
i just wish you’d play along for once

i sing anthems about falling apart
and you sit there, waiting for the exciting bit

-music brings us together
unless, of course, it doesn’t

but i’ve gotten used to it by now

–

written a21jan2012.

this one was hard to post because it’s personal. it’s shitty in parts but there is good in it. don’t make fun of me.

–

-don’t have time for this

i bluff my way through every single conversation
i have with you
trying to pretend that i’m not looking
like i don’t care if you care
like my every breath
doesn’t rest
on the way you respond

i tell myself
that i’m being melodramatic
that i don’t depend on you
-then i spend a weekend alone
and i remember

i fight wars
every day
simply to prove that i am alive
and you stand on the sidelines,
pretending you don’t know
what’s going on
trying to pretend that you don’t see

and we skirt each other’s hints-
so subtle that we truly can’t decipher
the meaning behind them-
and instead making up our own,
believing what we want
rather than taking a risk,
rather than telling the truth

–

written w11jan2012.

eh, this one’s okay. i put it up mainly for the third verse.

–

said the knuckle to the concrete.

i’m a pitiful creature
fueled by the hope of a new day
    and every night i fall asleep disappointed
    and you’re sick of empty promises

and every morning i drag myself up
to some semblance of self-sufficience
beat myself against the same wall
and wonder why i won’t change
    and every night i fall asleep disappointed
    and you’re sick of empty promises

my mouth is moving
and you’ve heard this all before
but we’ll both pretend my number’s not up

rhetoric won’t get me out of this
and you’re sick of empty promises,
but i’m not sick of trying just yet

–

written s8jan2012.

title’s taken from a motion city soundtrack song.

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