April 2017 – idiography

poetically pathetic

let’s make a deal.
uncap the bottle,
discover my greatest work-
a soliloquy on sentience,
performed to an empty room.
the walls
are bleeding lead poisoning again
and i
am leaving logic behind.

the air is crisp on my wretched skin
and as the world dies
its aching breath helps me
to finally feel alive.
i am pure white.

let me rise, enlightened.
as i float, breathless,
i can feel, finally,
the weight of my bones.
make me into a sparrow,
feast upon my marrow,
so i can become porous-
but leave my hollow mind whole.

idolize me.
spin my disease into pure beauty.
a stone-cold rose
grounds the coffin for my dreams,
liberating me from responsibility.
awaken me.
strip my heavy corpse of its wings,
eviscerate the breath from my lungs
cease my tangibility

oh glory,
build me up
strip me down
to my knuckles and teeth,
to the weathered bone.
remove the bloodstains from my home.

if i bleed now
it will be beautiful
when i fall, i
will glorify the cement, decorate it
with my shining insides
when i come down
it will be stunning
it will be dreadful
and i will be resplendent

-but the delivery
won’t change the content
candy wrapping
can’t cover up the stench of death-

i have given up
on purging the necrosis from my tissue
i have found
this tantalizing muse once again, and
once more i
will let her put cigarettes out
on my sorry skin.

i’ve grown to love the smell,
that acrid poison
it almost covers up the scars
she leaves-

if i can make dying sound beautiful
then to hell
with us all
if you could romanticise suicide
you’d be rotting
too

–

written m12nov2012.

another broke starving writers club creation, spurred by incredible amounts of caffeine. reading this one always transports me back in time, to walking between classes during snowfall. everything so exhilaratingly cold and crisp and pure.

–

4/04: error: page not found

i was reborn, like a phoenix
but without all the glory.
i didn’t set the hospital on fire; i struggled
to pull myself from the ashes
of a former prodigy,
one entwined with madness
in all the right ways
laced with misery like a noir heroine,
so sexily depressing-
whereas now i am just empty

i did not emerge unscathed, no,
not like the fledgling, i
am covered in scars and faultlines from where
the sorrow tried rip itself
from my sorry body
and the crimson glue holding me together
replenishes itself more diluted each time

before i died
i swung through technicolor
episodes of scarlet, rose,
ecstatic white, and the
sapphire blue to haunt my dreams
waking and at night
but the color leached away,
the antiseptic began to pervade, refilled my veins
and purged me of everything but grey.

before my death,
i reigned over the darkness, banished it
when it did not suit me,
manipulated reason, lived in a waking dreamland,
in complete control of my life-
but now, when i am fragile as eggshell,
it’s the only place i can hide,
a haven where i can act like the lack of light
masks an imagined vivacity and not a skeleton in flat black and white,
disguises and emboldens me,
allows me to be whole again,
to forget the borders, my limitations
indiscernable in dusk

i used to cast my own light-
now i am my own shadow
and in the dark i fumble for
what i used to be,
reconnect myself with the world
throw myself from the cliff
and hope to find my wings again

–

written w10oct2012.

the 4th april 2012 marks the day i first was hospitalized- the day the doctors realized there was something critical missing from my psyche. 4/04: error: page not found.

i’m not embarrassed to admit this. everyone has issues, especially during the teenage years.

–

brain freeze

he was nearly twentynine and he still hadn’t figured himself out,
still dedicated nights to the process of tearing up his moral ground,
laying his foundation, caught up in vacillation
between acts of possible valor- the ones to turn his life around.

he knew he would know somehow when he finally got it right
he was looking for that one sign-
the one they talk about in movies and
all the books which leave you shattered at the end,
the ones no one else has read
but those who do
swear upon like they’ve never heard of the bible,
try to imitate the main character,
stumble into chaos and think they’ll end up all right,
like in the movies-
a lucky plot twist and they’ll own the night.

he wandered aimlessly,
up until the sun came out and the vampires went to sleep,
accompanied by cigarettes and the sound of his own head,
burned dirt and the cold of the city,
until the time of night where his words stalled
brain froze
and the space in his head became suddenly visceral,
paralyzed by feeling until his tongue and the roof of his mouth
sought each other out, pressed in a warm embrace
until the pain went away
until he closed up the wound behind his eyes
forgot the torment of seeing
until the night tore him open again.

–

written t9oct2012.

wrote this in ten, fifteen minutes during broke starving writer’s club back when i was in university.

you know, the best way to cure a brain freeze is to press your tongue against the roof of your mouth to warm it up.

confessor

i’ll always be there outside of the box
where you spill out your burdens to god
tell me everything you’ve done wrong-
just unpend your sins, you’re cleansed, now you win

i’m
the convenient answer
to feeling remorseful about what you’ve done
made a mistake? i’m here, don’t you wait
i’ve got all the time you need

and on it goes; my shoulder
for you to lean on will always be there
but don’t bother to ask me how i’m doing-
you’re not supposed to care

i’m tired of being used like an old whore
you rip me to shreds, leave my tongue on the floor
i’m speechless, i’m hurting, held back by my pride
i’m letting my ego take over my mind
i’m playing callous like it’s some sort of game
pretending i’m fine when i’m driven insane
you take the wheel from me, steer into a ditch
leaving me battered and broken, unimpressed, not spoken

i’ve got
my tongue tied in knots
from navigating the tangled webs you drag me through
but i
will never let myself lose

i need to destroy something, run it right through
to reflect my insides after speaking to you
and maybe i’m just a bitter young bitch,
but i’ll take a hit, and i won’t let you miss

so drive me into the ground
i won’t be beaten down
you can’t do much to me;
i can’t get much lower now
how far can you bring me down?
yeah, i’ll hold my ground

i’m tired of hearing each of your confessions
simply not being able is not a transgression
you’re weighing me down with your innocent guilt
i won’t feel your trauma if no souls were spilt

i’m so sick
of hearing your troubles; don’t say what’s amiss
take a hint
your drama won’t make or break you
it’s no calamity if she hates you

i’m tired of hearing about your petty fights
scuffling over my business won’t help with your strife
you think being hateful will show me the light?
you’re wrong, good riddance, get out of my life
something so intrinsic isn’t abomination
no matter your creed or your denomination
your social life will never make you a saint
and confessing won’t stave off my hate

i’m so sick
of hearing your troubles; don’t say what’s amiss
take a hint
get off of my shoulder, take your own goddamn boulder
and live your own life for a bit
don’t confess, i’m not impressed,
just live your life and leave me be.

–

written a11aug2012.

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