lyrics – idiography

petrichor

let’s not make this mercy killing into a tragedy
if you mourn, i’ll recover my grip on reality
realize what i’ve done
and i can’t handle that responsibility

i accepted my fate the first time i lost my mind
knew i’d forever be stuck outside my head
fought for a few years more,
but now i’m done with this

i will fall like the primaveral rain,
soak the earth with my brittle rotting bones
let the flesh decompose
ease my mind, cleanse my soul

tangled up in vacillation
mania-white staining indigo perceptions
the future never seemed so trivial
(who said i couldn’t live like this)
wide-eyed, selectively hypersensitive
i’m ignoring what lies ahead
i don’t want to think about it

i’m destroying what little chance i had left
precipitation replacing perspiration,
erasing perspective,
drowning out my voice of reason
just let me breathe
cause i’m so sick of responsibility

this is just the cycle of life
perspective’s leeching the necrosis
from my bones
i will be reborn as a lesser being
so for now just let me
pretend that the flames are home.

–

written r28mar2013.

turned this one into a song at the end of 2016.

weirdly- i’ve found the phrase “ease my mind- cleanse my soul” in three other songs, none of which i’d heard before writing this. strange how so many people picked up on the same phrase when i can’t find it in any major texts.

–

confessor

i’ll always be there outside of the box
where you spill out your burdens to god
tell me everything you’ve done wrong-
just unpend your sins, you’re cleansed, now you win

i’m
the convenient answer
to feeling remorseful about what you’ve done
made a mistake? i’m here, don’t you wait
i’ve got all the time you need

and on it goes; my shoulder
for you to lean on will always be there
but don’t bother to ask me how i’m doing-
you’re not supposed to care

i’m tired of being used like an old whore
you rip me to shreds, leave my tongue on the floor
i’m speechless, i’m hurting, held back by my pride
i’m letting my ego take over my mind
i’m playing callous like it’s some sort of game
pretending i’m fine when i’m driven insane
you take the wheel from me, steer into a ditch
leaving me battered and broken, unimpressed, not spoken

i’ve got
my tongue tied in knots
from navigating the tangled webs you drag me through
but i
will never let myself lose

i need to destroy something, run it right through
to reflect my insides after speaking to you
and maybe i’m just a bitter young bitch,
but i’ll take a hit, and i won’t let you miss

so drive me into the ground
i won’t be beaten down
you can’t do much to me;
i can’t get much lower now
how far can you bring me down?
yeah, i’ll hold my ground

i’m tired of hearing each of your confessions
simply not being able is not a transgression
you’re weighing me down with your innocent guilt
i won’t feel your trauma if no souls were spilt

i’m so sick
of hearing your troubles; don’t say what’s amiss
take a hint
your drama won’t make or break you
it’s no calamity if she hates you

i’m tired of hearing about your petty fights
scuffling over my business won’t help with your strife
you think being hateful will show me the light?
you’re wrong, good riddance, get out of my life
something so intrinsic isn’t abomination
no matter your creed or your denomination
your social life will never make you a saint
and confessing won’t stave off my hate

i’m so sick
of hearing your troubles; don’t say what’s amiss
take a hint
get off of my shoulder, take your own goddamn boulder
and live your own life for a bit
don’t confess, i’m not impressed,
just live your life and leave me be.

–

written a11aug2012.

–

once was blind, still can’t see

if it offers you any consolation
i didn’t mean for us to end up like this
with me speechless and you walking yourself home

i always thought you were so naïve
turns out you just didn’t want to see
(you turned a blind eye to) what i was doing
(you turned a blind eye)

and i never could have gotten this right

i’ll say it once: i never saw it coming
say it twice and you’re asking for something
i’ll never admit it, but i underestimated you

i wrote my preconceived notions
in a little blue notebook
and kept it close to my heart
(i turned a blind eye) for the romantic value
ego aside, i was wrong
(but i turned a blind eye)

you can scream at me all you want
but we both know that’s my job

if it offers you any consolation,
you can roll your eyes and call me naïve
leave me speechless and walk yourself home

i never could have gotten this right

i’ll say it once: i never saw it coming
say it twice and you’re asking for something
i’ll never admit it, but i underestimated you

you’re walking yourself home
(turn a blind eye)
you’re walking home alone
(turn a blind eye)
and i am home alone
(just turn a blind eye)

i never saw it coming

–

written m23jan2012.

old-school chiodos vibe.

–

paper thin walls

the walls of this house hear more than you think
so shut your mouth and stop screaming
ignore your company
cause the way you talk is so demeaning

in case of emergency
don’t you try calling me
i’m already out the door

you think you’re so fucked up
well, take a look at me
i want you to shut up
and tell me what you see
tell me you’re bored as hell
be careful what you say
cause you can never tell
which words will get away

what do you mean you’re leaving me
you were never here in the first place
go and run off with him
i knew i never could trust you anyways

in case of emergency
don’t you try calling me
i don’t care anymore

drop the lies, and face your fears!
you’ve been spitting out the same lines for years!
drop the lies, and face your fears!
you’ve been spitting out these lines!

you think you’re so fucked up
well, take a look at me
i want you to shut up
and tell me what you see
tell me you’re bored as hell
be careful what you say
cause you can never tell
which words will get away

don’t tell me about shattered windows
when every pane is one that you shot out
between these paper thin walls
lies the cause of a broken house
every word you spit at me
acts upon us like matches held to flame
when you’re searching in broken mirrors,
make sure to tell me who’s to blame

you think you’re so fucked up
well, take a look at me
i want you to shut up
and tell me what you see
tell me you’re bored as hell
be careful what you say
cause you can never tell
which words will get away

…the kids aren’t alright…

–

written f20may2011.

again, not too proud of this one, but i was fifteen.

–

feathers

carrion birds perch off-screen
directing what the public sees
but in my mind, it’s just you and me
i can’t hear you anymore
mirroring my words between closed doors
but my lips repeat what you said before

your wings will guide me as i fall
your wings will guide me as i fall

i thought i heard you whimpering
but it was only the blank screen
my senses plead that this is all a dream
my feather headdress crowns me king
but it will never serve as wings
useless flutters drowned out your whispering

your wings will guide me as i fall
your wings will guide me as i fall

now i have started my descent
screaming the phrases that you bent
i know now there is nothing you really meant
and i won’t even start to try
cause no one hears my cries for life
there has been nothing since you helped me fly

your wings will guide me as i fall
your wings will guide me as i fall

your wings will guide me as i fall
your wings will guide me as i fall

–

written f29apr2011.

i’m not too proud of this one anymore, but i was fifteen when i wrote it, so…

yes, i’m aware of the first line’s similarity to the silversun pickups’ song “substitution”- that was the inspiration for this piece. i don’t believe it’s plagiarism because that’s the only similarity between the two songs.

–

dream of me

staying alive on borrowed time
with plagiarized words that sounded better in the mouths of heroes
like a smack to the face or a needle to the vein
you’re nothing special but you’re so shocking to me
the things you omit are often the most important
but we’ll all pretend it doesn’t matter and we don’t know
it seems so strange that your face
isn’t all over the tv

for bank robbery
or treachery
but your mockery
isn’t worth anyone’s time

you’re the worst crook i’ve ever met
so brag of your shortcomings but they haven’t gotten you anywhere yet
there’s a better way to fight off insecurity
but you don’t have your own dreams, you just dream of me

my false shadow, keep on your toes
you’re never watching for the shot you’ll regret
caught up head over heels in what you feel
you’ll end up the victim of another beatdown in the key of clichéd
rebelling ninetofive in an office block
and you still haven’t realized it hasn’t happened yet
so you stay up late ranting at your fate
vocalizing pointless bouts of your dissent

your whitewashed ears
don’t listen to our jeers
but your mockery
isn’t worth anyone’s time

you’re the worst crook i’ve ever met
so brag of your shortcomings but they haven’t gotten you anywhere yet
there’s a better way to fight off insecurity
but you don’t have your own dreams, you just dream of me

where’s the role model you were looking for
i’ve got my foot propping open the door
always got your head in the crowds
drowning in the words you sing too loud

you’re hiding behind a façade
and i’ll expose you for your fraud

you’re the worst crook i’ve ever met
so brag of your shortcomings but they haven’t gotten you anywhere yet
there’s a better way to fight off insecurity
but you don’t have your own dreams, you just dream of me

–

written m9may2011.

–