Category: poetry

l’appel du vide

let me intensify the outside for you
to nullify the agony in your head
drink up, shoot up, snort it all
and i’ll watch eagerly as your
pupils contract, veins constrict
as it sets in, and then
the concentration, oversaturation
of color and sensation, the distortion
of time and of your entire reality-
isn’t this better than dreaming?

on stimulants, everything is wonderful
the bricks are beautiful until you hit them
the bruises are gorgeous until you remember the pain
and even then,
they’re just colors blooming upon your skin

pause for a moment of clarity
retreat from waking reverie and rediscover
the mess you’re in- an instant
almost-sober and everything rushes
back like a bullet train and
you just want to take that last-

stop
don’t think like that
ignore the impulse
enjoy this while it lasts
squeeze every drop of euphoria from this
you’ll be back down soon enough
you don’t need to jump

sniffle a little now
didn’t realize your nose was leaking
substance trying to escape
your voracious appetite
inhale violently, hope there’s something left
-stop grinding your teeth
-you didn’t even notice you were doing it,
did you
you weren’t conscious of your surroundings
until you were knee-deep in this

i’ve created an addict of you now
as he did to me with that single monday,
that one high- he stopped, but i
couldn’t
i was hooked and i don’t blame him
he didn’t know my history, my tendency
to find escape mechanisms and explore them
until it and i are both desecrated and desolate-

i just want to stop feeling for a while-
for as long as possible-

the future is irrelevant when you’re out of your head
it was depressing in there anyways
responsibility doesn’t exist when you’re up in the clouds
it’s only there when you come down,
so why come down at all?

my natural state
was lower than this grave.

–

written m1apr2013.

this one should probably take the “korey’s best work ever” trophy, because it received a “daily deviation” award on deviantart a4may2013. one of my proudest accomplishments. i’m honored to be displayed along with the gorgeous other pieces chosen for that day.

–

petrichor

let’s not make this mercy killing into a tragedy
if you mourn, i’ll recover my grip on reality
realize what i’ve done
and i can’t handle that responsibility

i accepted my fate the first time i lost my mind
knew i’d forever be stuck outside my head
fought for a few years more,
but now i’m done with this

i will fall like the primaveral rain,
soak the earth with my brittle rotting bones
let the flesh decompose
ease my mind, cleanse my soul

tangled up in vacillation
mania-white staining indigo perceptions
the future never seemed so trivial
(who said i couldn’t live like this)
wide-eyed, selectively hypersensitive
i’m ignoring what lies ahead
i don’t want to think about it

i’m destroying what little chance i had left
precipitation replacing perspiration,
erasing perspective,
drowning out my voice of reason
just let me breathe
cause i’m so sick of responsibility

this is just the cycle of life
perspective’s leeching the necrosis
from my bones
i will be reborn as a lesser being
so for now just let me
pretend that the flames are home.

–

written r28mar2013.

turned this one into a song at the end of 2016.

weirdly- i’ve found the phrase “ease my mind- cleanse my soul” in three other songs, none of which i’d heard before writing this. strange how so many people picked up on the same phrase when i can’t find it in any major texts.

–

“you just don’t realize how strong you are”

i’m not the only battered one here
we’ve got our separate histories,
but with similar intensity
i, overwhelmed and off-guard, admitted
to you my past intentions, the dread
i felt each morning, because
i wished i hadn’t woken, the pain
i felt in each moment, the fear
from feeling trapped, and my
desire to end it all-
i told you, i showed you mine,
and you showed me yours

i was transfixed by the
salmon splotches and white lines
graffitied over your skin, enough that
i wanted to carve myself up again
for the beauty in pain, and the stimulation
because this is more than habit- this
is an addiction

i still bear the marks of your teeth in
my skin, the sweetest agony
to affect me in the past three weeks
i cradle your matchstick bones in
my selfish arms
promise to hold you if i snap again

it’s vicious, my guilt
about my mental state, my self-hatred,
about my tears which you
still kissed me through, ignoring my
death-mask and the briny sorrow staining
your only cardigan, my salt-slick cheeks
red from too much despair- i gasped,
thanks for dealing with my shit, babe
i promise you won’t have to deal
with me like this for long
i’m getting better

and you repeated,
the words spilling in the spaces
between each lip-press,
don’t get better for me
don’t get better for me
get better for you

–

written w27mar2013.

i was just surprised he put up with me for so long

–

vices like vises

remove the gratituous ending
from this shallow fantasy.
let me exist in the middle,
see the forest for the trees
and not the meltdown, pretend like
it won’t all eventually
burn
leave me in ashes

i am victim to her sinister skin
numbing my former intentions
i have no eyes for consequence
i will stay, shaky, in the present
i am ignoring the signs
this path
i’m running
along will
lead to
my demise

the walls still bleed her jade eyes
the weight of when i was trapped
in her midnight vise
(i still am)
blinded, stone-cold, and still i weep

strip my heart with a fountain pen,
the scalpel to her inky revenge
untangle her sorry mentality from mine
do not worry about the aftereffects
when i cease to be tangible, spill my regret
so i won’t be bothered to
when i come back down.

when i prove myself worthless, i can say
it was all worth it
at the time
when she catches me, i can say
it was dreadful in her arms
but i left myself nowhere else to go

–

written s17mar2013.

i remember a lot of caffeine being involved in the writing of this one. i was feeling floaty and staticky. buzzing, electric, anxious, manic.

–

cut-up: “stardust”/”serenades and nocturnes”

stars and stardust, we were
from the press impelled by the loneliness
from the incessant at the bottom of crowds.
we ache for our numb bones
and false amoré on top of the love-
folié a deux covers under
the shared madness- artist’s hands.

attachment is trying desperately-
infatuation is “as if”
with deadly symptoms- us inseperable.
red roses lead to “as if i could”
with roses dropped, so memorize and recreate
from vases shattered, sculpt us together
so life is forever and not just golden hair,
my labor for your blue eyes,
and as fleeting as your weapons.

cities sunk and yet i, ardent, watch
from the depths of countenance.
it’s all for you, i know that.
perceive its aftereffects and
we will lead its hangover headache,
divergent until you’re sprawled over your serenade.

–

written s10mar2013.

took two previously written poems of mine, ripped them apart and smashed them together. this is the result.

–

serenades and nocturnes

i.
we were insatiable last night,
impelled by the alienation one finds
at the bottom of a bottle-
our numb bones in need of warming
on top of and then under
covers, under clothes.
artist’s hands fumbled, frantic for an answer,
trying desperately to become closer,
as if your nails in my spine could render
us inseparable-
as if i could, with my touch,
memorize and recreate you with me,
sculpt us together
forever and not just for the night,
my labor for your labored breath,
as fleeting as your consciousness.

ii.
as i ardently watch you dream
countenance softened by sleep
i know that come morning, i’ll split
and we will lead sovereign lives,
divergent until your nocturnes play
and you serenade me once again.

–

written r7mar2013.

name borrowed from neil gaiman’s the sandman volume one.

–

do not wish upon falling stars

it’s surreal,
the space between
sleep and waking
the greyzone
before the sandman fills
our eyes with his sweet poison
before they water, saccharine tears
welling up and absolving us of sin

we forget
which secrets
are destined to be kept
inside; despite earlier inhibitions
we decide not to lie
and in the morning we regret
the things we said

we were stars last night
we scintillated, we illuminated
the bricks around us
we brought happiness to the cement

we were stars and i
was a comet-
i fell, but before i hit
the ground, i wished
for validation; i wanted
someone to tell me
my sin was okay but
i petered out,
became watered down
and the tidal wave
pushed the beach’s arms aside-
i crashed,
and i did not care for the aftermath.

i do not wish to see you
if you still shine brighter than i-
not when i still miss my own light.
i apologize for the trickery-
i know i said i was fine,
but i was falling when you met me.

–

written r28feb2013.

–

misanthrope

strip me of the defenses i wear
to protect myself from the cold
shoulders, the wicked stares
slip the armor from my speech
and reassure me
that i do not need it here,
past the judgment of the daytime

take the stony demeanor
from where it chafes against
my soft skin-
let it lay, discarded,
on the floor with my guardedness,
my cynicism
let me be the angel
i have learned to smother
let me spread my wings
without bruising them
on mankind’s abrasive habits

here, where sin is not forgiven
but rather accepted
have me whole and nothing more
with no more negative
space-
in this room,
mold me, with accepting hands,
into what i always was
into something small, something
honest, something trusting

let me let my guard down

–

written t26feb2013.

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